I Wish I Was Dead

I wish I was dead. How many times have I wish upon this verse?

I got angry with LS again. Looks like since our 2^nd year of relationship becoming more tasteless, so does our passion lessen. Especially we are staying together. We get to see each other every day…

I wish I was dead again. Starting this year, especially after he brought his house, I have been having thoughts of not getting married with him. Then, I’ll remind myself again that being spouse, I need to tolerate a LOT with him. I helped him cleaning up his new house & yet he scolded me for not helping him out. I was hungry & it was 10pm plus. I hate to eat late & think my body is fragile – insufficient minerals will made me unhealthy the next few minutes & will prolong for a lifetime.

Yesterday I got scolding for buying 2 pet rabbits before Milo’s leg healed completely. I have asked his opinion on whether I should wait another week & he said ok. I really have to get used of having more responsibilities & not having him around often. Also, I won’t be sleeping in the same room with him after we got married as he enjoys the noise of the radio till he fell asleep.

I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. Not in my house, not in UPM, not even a spot! Why am I on this EARTH?!!!

There are so many times I bring myself to think of positiveness, to make my mind stronger, yet I’m still in confused state. Should I allow my mind to think positive or negative? It definitely seems like I’m waiting for miracles to happen. I know I’m in charge of my life. Yet, what my Indian lecturer in UPM said is correct. “I AM ANGRY AT SOMETHING.”

That word struck me instantly! I went to the toilet & cried. I thought of my father. Yet, now, after 4 years plus, I wondered what made my perception & character today. I definitely am angry. I feel it inside me whenever I’m dissatisfied on something. Is it my father? I’m doubtful.

One day, I heard over the radio: “Some people relied on their family throughout their lifetime.” I am that person. I realized that I keep hoping my parents, my boyfriend or someone that I think have the responsibilities to bear the burden. NOT ME! Why should it be me??!!!

This is not my house. I will not stay here nor work here. You are only buying for yourself. Why stay in Klang? A place of traffic jams that offers limited freedom. So far away from other location. I DON’T LIKE HERE. I have vowed to bring my children back to M’cca & have their schooling there. Yet, what will I work as?