I wish I was dead. How many times have I wish upon this verse?
I got angry with LS again. Looks like since our 2nd year of relationship becoming more tasteless, so does our passion lessen. Especially we are staying together. We get to see each other every day…
I wish I was dead again. Starting this year, especially after he brought his house, I have been having thoughts of not getting married with him. Then, I’ll remind myself again that being spouse, I need to tolerate a LOT with him. I helped him cleaning up his new house & yet he scolded me for not helping him out. I was hungry & it was 10pm plus. I hate to eat late & think my body is fragile – insufficient minerals will made me unhealthy the next few minutes & will prolong for a lifetime.
Yesterday I got scolding for buying 2 pet rabbits before Milo’s leg healed completely. I have asked his opinion on whether I should wait another week & he said ok. I really have to get used of having more responsibilities & not having him around often. Also, I won’t be sleeping in the same room with him after we got married as he enjoys the noise of the radio till he fell asleep.
I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. Not in my house, not in UPM, not even a spot! Why am I on this EARTH?!!!
There are so many times I bring myself to think of positiveness, to make my mind stronger, yet I’m still in confused state. Should I allow my mind to think positive or negative? It definitely seems like I’m waiting for miracles to happen. I know I’m in charge of my life. Yet, what my Indian lecturer in UPM said is correct. “I AM ANGRY AT SOMETHING.”
That word struck me instantly! I went to the toilet & cried. I thought of my father. Yet, now, after 4 years plus, I wondered what made my perception & character today. I definitely am angry. I feel it inside me whenever I’m dissatisfied on something. Is it my father? I’m doubtful.
One day, I heard over the radio: “Some people relied on their family throughout their lifetime.” I am that person. I realized that I keep hoping my parents, my boyfriend or someone that I think have the responsibilities to bear the burden. NOT ME! Why should it be me??!!!
This is not my house. I will not stay here nor work here. You are only buying for yourself. Why stay in Klang? A place of traffic jams that offers limited freedom. So far away from other location. I DON’T LIKE HERE. I have vowed to bring my children back to M’cca & have their schooling there. Yet, what will I work as?
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