Past Thoughts

I'm currently at home. Will be home for two days. After March, my next trip home would be 15 June. However, it would be for one day only. Else, I'd have to wait till 29 July. Guess I'd go back on both months then. Even that, I couldn't be sure whether I can be home in July or not (as I would be starting my Master studies then).

I hope, I wish, I want to enter Counselling course. Hopefully I'll be able to further my career to UK. When will that be? Another decade?

I do regret my past doings. I like to compare myself with others. Apart from sorrowing over my childhood experience, I often blame myself for those actions that I could have take that would change my growing up path. I was a very timid child. A girl who often hide my true emotion, my true desire. A choice that chosen to grieve alone.

I only dare to explore my own identity when I was away from home. Was it too late?

Not really...

Only that I fall backward after I left UPM. Joining the work force make me a dull girl again....

The television is switched on at the moment. I could not concentrate on my writing now... Will have to continue later...

I Wish I Was Dead

I wish I was dead. How many times have I wish upon this verse?

I got angry with LS again. Looks like since our 2^nd year of relationship becoming more tasteless, so does our passion lessen. Especially we are staying together. We get to see each other every day…

I wish I was dead again. Starting this year, especially after he brought his house, I have been having thoughts of not getting married with him. Then, I’ll remind myself again that being spouse, I need to tolerate a LOT with him. I helped him cleaning up his new house & yet he scolded me for not helping him out. I was hungry & it was 10pm plus. I hate to eat late & think my body is fragile – insufficient minerals will made me unhealthy the next few minutes & will prolong for a lifetime.

Yesterday I got scolding for buying 2 pet rabbits before Milo’s leg healed completely. I have asked his opinion on whether I should wait another week & he said ok. I really have to get used of having more responsibilities & not having him around often. Also, I won’t be sleeping in the same room with him after we got married as he enjoys the noise of the radio till he fell asleep.

I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. Not in my house, not in UPM, not even a spot! Why am I on this EARTH?!!!

There are so many times I bring myself to think of positiveness, to make my mind stronger, yet I’m still in confused state. Should I allow my mind to think positive or negative? It definitely seems like I’m waiting for miracles to happen. I know I’m in charge of my life. Yet, what my Indian lecturer in UPM said is correct. “I AM ANGRY AT SOMETHING.”

That word struck me instantly! I went to the toilet & cried. I thought of my father. Yet, now, after 4 years plus, I wondered what made my perception & character today. I definitely am angry. I feel it inside me whenever I’m dissatisfied on something. Is it my father? I’m doubtful.

One day, I heard over the radio: “Some people relied on their family throughout their lifetime.” I am that person. I realized that I keep hoping my parents, my boyfriend or someone that I think have the responsibilities to bear the burden. NOT ME! Why should it be me??!!!

This is not my house. I will not stay here nor work here. You are only buying for yourself. Why stay in Klang? A place of traffic jams that offers limited freedom. So far away from other location. I DON’T LIKE HERE. I have vowed to bring my children back to M’cca & have their schooling there. Yet, what will I work as?

Feeling Near to Home

I got 16 missed calls while I was in the pool today. Out of that, most of the missed calls were from relatives. I only got 2nd & 3rd aunt's no recently. I had a packed day today, was in BRC 0900 – 2100. Was in the office most of the times! Finished my targeted job today & not at all tired with my packed schedule!

Milo’s medicine has finished, gotta travel to KL to take her medicine tomorrow. I reviewed Toro’s pictures yesterday – how tall he has grown!

After I came home just now, I discovered that both Cunni & Culus has climbed out of the box I put them in! How intelligent! Also, both of them like to suckle from the drinking bottle I brought for them yesterday (RM 9.80). It seems that they don’t know how to control their diet…

Poor Toro & Milo today. Both LS & I went out early today & came home late. Nobody to neither play with them nor cook for them. Rearing pets lets me know how I can cope with LS after our marriage. Those animals are our responsibilities & we already have disagreement on how much freedom we should let our pets have.

Seems like my body clock will only turn tired when it strike 12am, else I’ll be wide awake. Unlike LS who sleeps early nowadays at 2300. Well, it seems that LS will be the one making breakfast for the kids while I would be the one who prepares household things the night before! (If we stay together)

Great Morning!

I woke up at 0750 this morning. I though I woke up late as I hear noises in the kitchen earlier & suspected Lye Song is having his breakfast & soon leaving for work. After another snooze by myself, I finally woke up & found that the house is empty! Urghh!!! I don't like the feeling!

I went to check the time & was surprised that it was still early! I decided to brush my teeth & went out out for a jog in front of the house - round the field. Ran 9 rounds for 30 mins. Toro & Milo was so excited to see me.

Toro was following me the short stretch of the field until he saw Spotty (another male in the neighbourhood that likes to play with Toro). I continued my 2 rounds. On my 3rd round, Toro followed beside my heels continuously 2 rounds despite Spotty's disturbance. On the fifth round, Toro left due to exhaustion. The 7th round, Toro came back for another round. He seems tired & distracted on my 8th round & walked back to the house. On my 9th round, Toro was whining loudly in front of the gate that even the other end of the field could hear his voice! By the time I reach home, he was already in the porch.

Milo, on the other hand, wasn't as active as Toro did. She would only follow for a very short stretch of path then explore around for a while & goes back to wait in front of the gate. She seldom make any sound unless necessary. By my 4th round, Milo already went into the house by herself. Yet, today the porch was clean. Either she did not poo-poo there last night or LS already washed the porch. But I saw her poo-poo in front of neighbour's house on my 2nd round. Haa..seems she prefer cement than grass. She did smell Toro's urine when he pee after my brisk walking. Not sure whether Milo did finally understand that she cannot pee or poo in the house?

I went home to reheat chicken & rice for them - as a treat for Toro being able to follow me - 5mins on 2 rounds! BRAVO! Feed them at 9am. Then decided to wash Kancil as I did not manage to wash on Friday night. Again Toro & Milo had chance to go out as I need to open the gate to drive my Kancil in. I only used 2 pails to rinse, wash Kancil & the floor. Excellent saver!

While washing, Toro seems to have the time of his life today as he was being let to enjoy his freedom for 1.5hours. Milo only roam for a while & came back to lie down on her secluded place - under the bicycle. Toro went in & out of the house. Push off the plant pot, bite my wet cloth while I was washing the car, drank water while I was filling up the pail, followed an aunty to sundry shop etc. So FUN!!!

You can imagine how he did all these while I was trying to do my work. As a result, he got a 'lil wet but I enjoyed his companion.

Thereafter, I went in to have my bath & ate my breakfast. I was hungry! As usual, I like to eat in front of them & see their sympathetic reaction. Haha - bad of me! I feed them a few piece of my food. One time, I got biten by Toro when I jumped up to reach my food. My right forefinger bleeds a little. Got to see Dr for injection this noon... Well, I'm going to Kok & Wendy. Only recognized Dr Fred yesterday when LS went there for bee sting injection! (Dr Fred used to exercise in Fitness First)

Well, that was 1000! It's 1230 now, have been online for 2.5 hours now. I intend to finish my ASUM log book today. Now, it seems a bit "Mission Impossible". Yet, there's so much to view once I online! Plus, I don't often online on weekends...

So, this would be my online diary. Possibility of strangers to view my blog...yet, there was no followers. Do I mind? Well, not really, but it's a good feeling to know that someone who would love to follow your daily story. Hmm, some ego part of me, I guess.

Mysterious Girl

I bet anyone who know me would say that I am a happy-go-lucky girl. Frank, sensible, love to laugh. Yet, I seem to be keeping away from the society. Always solitary. Alone. Even my Facebook's wall is blank with nobody comment.

Yet, I like it that way. Only that sometimes, I itch for someone to connect to. I seem to be the desperate housewife that expect others to read my mind.

And yes! I can be easily jealous at times! Often enough, I find myself telling myself to cool down. That's why I need to find my own purpose of life. The one that I have been thinking for 5 years now. Yet, never seem to find a fixed one of my own. Whenever I'm occupied, the thought is placed at the back of my mind. When not, I'll be depressed to find that I'm a hopeless, helpless girl.

I'm going for further study. Pursuing my once lost intention. I wanted to become a mental consultant. A spiritual health counsellor. I was inspired when I went for a talk organized bby HELP after Form 5 in Pay Fong High School. That poster had since been sellotaped in my room. Perhaps, it became a constant reminder of my sub-conscious to become a contributor to public. Every night before I lie down in my room, I'll brain-wash myself to become a confident girl, a strong & energetic women who can success in life.

After Form 6, I still had not reach the level of confidence that I vow to reach. I was still timid in making decision to take up Counselling Course as my degree. I'm not sure whether it's a correct choice. Because I like UPM. The environment that developed my independence, my time-management, going for my interest & of Lye Song I know. Yet, that is past.

Now, at age 25, after graduated 3 years, again, I made a choice. I cannot break my own promise. I don't want to feel regret not doing things that I hesitate doing. I have been giving advices to people encouraging them to pursue their dreams, even writes it in my diary to live each day its fullest. Yet, here I am not doing it?!! Can't let this happen!

GOSH, it's so dark now that it is raining! I better be offline now!