Past Thoughts

I'm currently at home. Will be home for two days. After March, my next trip home would be 15 June. However, it would be for one day only. Else, I'd have to wait till 29 July. Guess I'd go back on both months then. Even that, I couldn't be sure whether I can be home in July or not (as I would be starting my Master studies then).

I hope, I wish, I want to enter Counselling course. Hopefully I'll be able to further my career to UK. When will that be? Another decade?

I do regret my past doings. I like to compare myself with others. Apart from sorrowing over my childhood experience, I often blame myself for those actions that I could have take that would change my growing up path. I was a very timid child. A girl who often hide my true emotion, my true desire. A choice that chosen to grieve alone.

I only dare to explore my own identity when I was away from home. Was it too late?

Not really...

Only that I fall backward after I left UPM. Joining the work force make me a dull girl again....

The television is switched on at the moment. I could not concentrate on my writing now... Will have to continue later...

My Career Path

It was a correct decision that I did not stay in M'cca to work after graduating. Mr Goh brought me to a temple to "ask" for direction on where my career location would be. The God answered that my heart is not in M'cca. Therefore, I ventured out to KL for jobs.

Perhaps my career luck was with me. I never have to worry too long when it comes finding a job. Perhaps it was becouase of this, I just settled down on a job & never stay too long. During that time, Dr Murali needed somebody to help him with one of his friend's thesis & I was offered to help edit. Till today, I feel bad on abandoning the job without informing him. During this time, I stayed in Amy's room for a month since she doesn't have a roommate.

At the same time, Qim was working in KL with Fitness First. Thereupon, he offered to help propose me to Jeremy, his subordinate for a fitness instructor. I was accepted! Lye Song was all the way helpful no matter where I ended up. I stayed at LS's house & drive an hour daily to workplace.

After 1 month of training in Menara Manulife, the training finally started in Menara Axis for 2 weeks. I get to know Hazel & often tumpang her car there. Of course, I shared cost with her. Coincidently, FF are also opening up Klang branch & are short of instructor. I have to leave Kalai & Qim in Manulife & settle in KBT. Was in Manulife for another 2 weeks while waiting for Jusco KBT to open. Finally, I settled in KBT for 5 months. By the 3rd month, I already have thought of leaving! Looks like my mind never settle on things for long. However, only the 4th month, I took the decision to resign. By this time (April 2008), I have start gaining clients. I passed all of them to my colleagues.

After leaving FF, I made a stupid decision joining Rhino Maxx. Based in Cheras (in front of UCSI), I was made a clown going around collecting donation. On the other hand, it was a good decision! I learnt a lot from the street. Only that I realized that I can't go far being there. The most I get was to work till I die. By the 2.5 months only they finally moved to the delayed location, Botanic, Klang again!

Visfinity was the new name under Casey's leadership. However, we all feel that she is being controlled by Branvan. I started to hate the job as our freedom is limited! Therefore, after being high the first month in new location, my result go downward. By Sept 2008, I already made decision to quit. However, I am a girl with word. Previously, I told GSC & Casey that I would bring GSC to expeerience the work. So, silently, I endured to another 1.5 month. While all these are going on, I found that my Aaron & Hannah are planning to quit too. at the same time, my team's spirit deteriorate. Janey was being kicked out as she doesn't perform. Sheryl was absent for a month. I also overheard that Branvan wants to lay her off too! They have previously done that to a Malay girl. It really seems like they don't have compassion towards old staff. My own leader is passive, so we don't have any bond. I pity her that she was about to lose all 3 guy within a month, including her own leader.

I started teaching swimming on July 2008. Therefore, I commute from Cheras to Klang every weekend. I can only teach on Sundays as Rhino Maxx require us to work 6 days a week. Ever since I started working, I find my freedom is so, so much limited. after working with Rhino Maxx, I find this worse! Worst when I moved to Klang!

The only period I have a normal life is when I work as an adjuster in McLarens. Even that, I have to rush back to Klang every Sat after work to avoid Federal Highway jams & reaching BRC on time. I have been reminded a few times by Anwar for being late. LS pula every time ask me out & I found myself unable to do that. Then when it comes Aquasplash's offer for a full-time worker, I accepted & suddenly find myself TOO FREE!!! See how I take jobs as it come?

With Aquasplash, I was contented. After couple of month doing nothing, naturally I think of further studies. Only that the thought came too late, I didn't do enough research to make a firm decision. Therefore, I have to wait another half a year for the next application. However, by December 2009, I start to get busy. Err, now I have a family of pets that I need to take care of.

What do you think of me?

What kind of job can I settle down?

Will taking Counselling course guarantee me a contented working life that i wish for?

Currently, I'm browsing office jobs online in Seri Kembangan so that I can focus on my studies. (Also, to get away from Lye Song).

HEAR ME OUT! PLEASE???

Cunni & Culus

I have new pet addition at home - 2 white rabbits!

I feel the urge of having a rabbit when I followed Lye Song to the pet shop last Saturday, 13th March 2010. This white rabbit was so active that he licked my hand & bite it non-stop no matter where I moved. I was there for about 10mins & he followed. Thereupon I asked the price of the rabbits - RM20 per rabbit.

That night itself, I dream of having them! I already made my decision to buy one. However, just to make sure they can live in solitary, I made my decision to buy a pair.

Upon searching for a name, I can't make my decision. Therefore, I named them Cunni & Culus upon their scientific name - oryctolagus cunniculus.

Cunni is the one with the black mark on his nose. I'm guessing that he is a mlae based on his activeness. He is the assertive one which is very curious when I came to his cage. After I bring him home, he would be the one who first hop out of cage to explore surrounding for himself.

Whereupon, Culus is typical all white rabbit that takes a step after Cunni. She only get used to my huggings on the second day.

They took over the cage I brought for Milo. I got a scolding form LS after that. As Milo has not heal & Toro like to bang her over. She would yelp & Toro would get a beating from us.

Those rabbits would pee out of the cage. Only this behaviour frust me. Other than that, their shit is pretty easy to clear. As applied to my puppies, I would bring them once in the morning to the green grass & once in the evening. They would feed on the newly grown grass.

While I am at home, I would let them out for a couple of hours. Normally, they would go into the cage when they have enough. Then only I close the door without latching & sweep their shit.

These would be my routine everyday. Lots of housework. I time myself 2 hours to do a complete job, including sweeping & mopping the floor. By now, Cunni & Culus's feet are black as they hopped around the house. When they first arrive, it was yellowish. It can't be wash with plain water. Guess I have to brush their feet with soap someday.

Thing is I don't like bending down. I'll get stiff backache after that. Then I'll start cracking my back bones. Hazel said that my shoulder seems straighter than before? I'm not so sure, as I have not see any chiropractor in ages. Also, not much swimming nor stretching exercises these days.

I Wish I Was Dead

I wish I was dead. How many times have I wish upon this verse?

I got angry with LS again. Looks like since our 2^nd year of relationship becoming more tasteless, so does our passion lessen. Especially we are staying together. We get to see each other every day…

I wish I was dead again. Starting this year, especially after he brought his house, I have been having thoughts of not getting married with him. Then, I’ll remind myself again that being spouse, I need to tolerate a LOT with him. I helped him cleaning up his new house & yet he scolded me for not helping him out. I was hungry & it was 10pm plus. I hate to eat late & think my body is fragile – insufficient minerals will made me unhealthy the next few minutes & will prolong for a lifetime.

Yesterday I got scolding for buying 2 pet rabbits before Milo’s leg healed completely. I have asked his opinion on whether I should wait another week & he said ok. I really have to get used of having more responsibilities & not having him around often. Also, I won’t be sleeping in the same room with him after we got married as he enjoys the noise of the radio till he fell asleep.

I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. Not in my house, not in UPM, not even a spot! Why am I on this EARTH?!!!

There are so many times I bring myself to think of positiveness, to make my mind stronger, yet I’m still in confused state. Should I allow my mind to think positive or negative? It definitely seems like I’m waiting for miracles to happen. I know I’m in charge of my life. Yet, what my Indian lecturer in UPM said is correct. “I AM ANGRY AT SOMETHING.”

That word struck me instantly! I went to the toilet & cried. I thought of my father. Yet, now, after 4 years plus, I wondered what made my perception & character today. I definitely am angry. I feel it inside me whenever I’m dissatisfied on something. Is it my father? I’m doubtful.

One day, I heard over the radio: “Some people relied on their family throughout their lifetime.” I am that person. I realized that I keep hoping my parents, my boyfriend or someone that I think have the responsibilities to bear the burden. NOT ME! Why should it be me??!!!

This is not my house. I will not stay here nor work here. You are only buying for yourself. Why stay in Klang? A place of traffic jams that offers limited freedom. So far away from other location. I DON’T LIKE HERE. I have vowed to bring my children back to M’cca & have their schooling there. Yet, what will I work as?

Feeling Near to Home

I got 16 missed calls while I was in the pool today. Out of that, most of the missed calls were from relatives. I only got 2nd & 3rd aunt's no recently. I had a packed day today, was in BRC 0900 – 2100. Was in the office most of the times! Finished my targeted job today & not at all tired with my packed schedule!

Milo’s medicine has finished, gotta travel to KL to take her medicine tomorrow. I reviewed Toro’s pictures yesterday – how tall he has grown!

After I came home just now, I discovered that both Cunni & Culus has climbed out of the box I put them in! How intelligent! Also, both of them like to suckle from the drinking bottle I brought for them yesterday (RM 9.80). It seems that they don’t know how to control their diet…

Poor Toro & Milo today. Both LS & I went out early today & came home late. Nobody to neither play with them nor cook for them. Rearing pets lets me know how I can cope with LS after our marriage. Those animals are our responsibilities & we already have disagreement on how much freedom we should let our pets have.

Seems like my body clock will only turn tired when it strike 12am, else I’ll be wide awake. Unlike LS who sleeps early nowadays at 2300. Well, it seems that LS will be the one making breakfast for the kids while I would be the one who prepares household things the night before! (If we stay together)

Chinese Poems - Form 3 onwards

My Favourite

zu dou lan dou qi,

dou zai fu zhong di,

ben shi tong gen sheng,

xiang jian he tai ji

My Second Favourite

pu tao mei chiew yi guang bei,

yi ying pi pa ma shang chui,

cui hou sa chang jing mo xiao,

gu lai zheng zhan ji ren hui?

My First Poem

chun mien bu jie xiao,

cu cu wen ti niao,

ye lai feng yi sheng,

hua luo zhi duo shao?

My Second Poem

chuan qian ming yue guang,

yi shi di shang suang,

qi tou wang ming yue,

di tou shi gu xiang

My Third Poem

siang wan yi bu she,

qi che deng gu yuan,

xi yang wu sian hao,

zhi shi jin huang fen

Red Beans

hong dou sheng nan guo,

chun lai fa ji zi?

yen jing duo cai se,

zhi wu cui xiang shi

The One Ma Eager Wanted Me To Learn - The Longest

shi ren dou xiao shen sian hao,

wei you guang ming wang bu liao,

gu jing jiang xiang zai he fang,

huang mo yi tou zhao mo liao.

shi ren dou xiao shen sian hao,

wei you jin qian wang bu liao,

zhong chao zhi heng ju wu duo,

ju tao duo xhi yen bi liao.

shi ren dou xiao shen sian hao,

wei you qiao qi wang bu liao,

jin sheng re re shuo en ai,

jin shi you shui ren qu liao.

shi ren dou xiao shen sian hao,

wei you zi sun wang bu liao,

yi xin fu mu gu lai duo,

xiao sun zhi sun shui jian liao?

Qing Ming - 3rd March(Chinese Calendar)

qing ming shi ji yu fen fen,

lu shang sing ren yi duan wen,

jie wen jiu jia he chu you?

mu tong yao zhi Xin Hua Chun

Lover's Song

xiang jian shi nan bie yi nan,

tong feng wu li bai hua chang,

chun chang dao si shi fang jin,

la ji chen hui lei shi gan,

xiao jin tan chou yi bin gai,

yue yun yun jie yue guang han,

fong lai zi qu wu duo lu,

qing tao niao qing wei than kan

Mother's Uncondition Love

zhi mu shou zhong xian,

you zhi shen shang yi,

ling xin mi mi fong,

jing kou ci ci gui,

shui yuan chun chao xin,

bao de shan chun hui.

Hermit

shao xiao li jia lao da hui,

xiang ying wu gai bin mao chui,

er tong xiang jian bu xiang she,

xiao wen ke chong he chu lai?

qian shan niao fei jie,

wang jing ren zhong mie,

ku chou shuo li ong,

tu diao han jiang xue

ying siang yi shang hua siang rong,

chun feng bu jian lu hau rong,

ruo fei pi yi shan tou jian

hui siang yue tai yue xia fong.

lang zhi hui tou jin bu huan,

zhen jin bu pa hong lu huo,

yi se zhu cheng qian gu hen,

hui tou yu shi bai nian shen.

The Last That I Learn

chun cheng wu chu bu fei hua

han se dong feng sian liu xie

re mu han gong chuan la zhu

qing yen shang lu wu hou jia.

Post CNY

What's life after CNY celebration?

I resumed to work on the 7th day of CNY. Heading back to Klang in 2 cars on Sat morning. Both Lye Song & I were sleepy on the way back that we stopped for a while at Seeremban rest house for a short nap & a cup of Livita & Nescafe...

Lye Song continued his CNY visiting with friends in Klang while I chatted with lifeguard in BRC. Dudu don't even have a student that day nor weeks in Feb. All of them stopped for a month!

I was fairer when I came back. Of course! I did not swim the week b4 CNY & stayed indoors during CNY celebration! 3 weeks including the week I came back from M'cca. Now my skin is tanned as ever...

On Wed @ 0840, Toro met with an accident. A Myvi ran over Toro while he was playing with another male pup beside the road. He was rolled under till the car reversed & he squealed with a loud noise while he ran the whole lot of houses behind before stopping in front of the house again. Once inside the house, he sat still on the car porch that he did not make a noise. I applied yellow lotion on him & brought him to the veterinary.

Luckily, he only suffers minor cuts on his 2 front legs & head & from shock. Apart from that he also learnt his lesson not to be too playful while outside! Good for him! That evening itself, when I brought him for walk to our new house, he really kept close to me! With the single approach of a car, he already pushed me inside to avoid the car! Haha!

Too bad, the same thing happened to Milo yesterday night at about 2020. Nobody saw what happened. We were only briefed that Milo shouted very loud that made all neighbours came out to see what happened. She could not walk after the impact. It was a hit & run case as the car that hit her speed off. Wan Mei carried her inside & there was blood & feces coming out from her anus. Lye Song suspected internal bleeding. Off we went to search for 24 hours animal clinic. There was only one in Jln Mahameru. so by 9pm, we took her to the said clinic.

The initial deposit cost a whooping RM 600! Nothing can be done the night before, therefore Milo haas to be hospitalize at least 2 nights there. X-ray was to be done the next morning. I shared to cost with LS.

The vet told us that her left hind leg was broken & there were multiple injuries. There would be a 2 more detailed x-ray to do to determine the exact wound location. Hopefully, it was nothing too serious. I fell asleep on the way to KL & on the way back to Klang. How am I so tired??? In fact, I had my half an hour nap in the noon. Milo did whined a lot on the way to the clinic. We think that she is discomfort & in pain. However, upon reaching she quieted down. She could even stand on her wobble legs when the clinic's assistant took her weight. She's only 5.16kg while Toro weighted 7.8kg.

On Sat, LS brought Wii home. He was excited of his new purchase. I was not at all affected. In fact, I have not touched the game till now. Only the 3 brothers. Like LS's ma, I don't approve of this new addition into the house. It's a waste of money & energy. This made me more determined to settle in M'cca. Bringing my children away from negative energy around Lye Song.

Writing about that, I spent my whole day searching for jobs related to counselling. There are limited vacancies in private practice, however reports on counselling wrote major improvement working in this area... This made me undecided & indecisive... It seems that I have decided to pursue my interest in this area, however, knowing the facts made me worried. There are friends who encourage me to pursue my dreams, like Huey Ling & Adrianna, but Lye Song do not approve. Well, I guess that sometimes, I'll have to go against the flow...

Today is Huey Ling's birthday. I called her & spent 33mins talking to her on the phone. I did not clean the house today. Only fetch Wan Mei for her errands. Yet, time flies & I did nothing much. I did watched an hour of movie & took an hour's nap. Another hour brisk walking & an hour playing with Toro. That's it. What have I done today?!!

GOSH! I am beginning to worry how to juggle my time between work, study, family & personal time... Now still thinking of learning how to cook. Yesterday, Lye Song brought me to eat "pai ku wang" in Klang town. He told me that he love to eat tomyam fish. He asked me to learn to cook so that he can have it frequently. Yet, my reply to him was to ask him cook himself... What a woman... Too bad. I always wonder how would it be it it's the other gender around?

Full February!

Wow! Can't imagine that I did not blog at all in February! Not even on diary!

Usually, I have lots on my mind... Now still do. Since I have leave a gap for so long, I don't know where to start...

CNY celebrations? - GREAT!

I occupied my time being in M'cca & went to SG on the 5th & 6th day of CNY. Upon coming back to work, I learnt that normally during CNY celebration, Singaporeans would comeing to M'cca & vise versa!

I keep myself occupied with workload b4 CNY celebration. Went home on the 12th (Friday) with Seng Ching. Picked her up near her office in Bangsar. We drove 5 hours journey to M'cca! The funny thing was, just as I entered NS's border, the jam started. Reached home by 2145.

I depart after fetching Wan Mei at 5pm. Right from Klang to PJ, traffic smooth, took me half an hour to reach Menara TM. Starting there I took an hour to reach Bangsar. However, I reach GSC's office JIT. Only waited her for 15mins.

I tried to get as much sleep as I can while in M'cca. This year's CNY was really moodless! Not much of excitement back in my hometown. I still could online at home till 2330 only I went to Jonker St. Even that, Jonker St was not as crowded as expected. Nobody chased the Chai Shen Ye! However, both GSC & I chased him for sheer excitement of getting 20cents! Hahaha!

We were both impressed by performance put by foreigners in Geographer. I took a video of their dance instead of walking up till the stage. Ma baked around 20 types of cookies this year. I did not savour much of CNY cookies this year as I was very conscious. My objective this CNY was to meet as many friends & relatives as possible. The ang pow was not that impressive anymore..

First day was spent at my Grandma's. What noise we made this year as there was a big crowd of unknown cousins who visited Gma's house at the same time too. I was delighted to meet Hui Loon. God knows what chemistry had He mixed between us. We are always looking forward to meeting each other. On that first morning, Hui Loon has made countless phone calls to my house asking what time are we coming. Padahal, Ma, Errk & I were in an association eating for free & getting angpow. Yeei went to work on first day CNY wherelse GSC was left alone in the house.

2nd day morning was a bit uneventful. I used the whole morning reading Harry Potter & online. By 1430pm only I went over to Hui Yin's house & later followed GSC & Jessica for house visiting. Reached home by 2130 already tired. Done 7 hours of house visiting.

3rd day, what did I do? Oh ya! IJC's house visiting! Yeah! I was out from 1010-1740 that day! Went to 8 houses! Great1 Got to meet a lot of long lost IJCians. Right from kindergarten! The feeling was great knowing that you are still 'connected' to oldest friends from your childhood! - Kuah Mei Hui, Amy Chan, Pam Ong, Elaine Tam, Ng Yin Thien, Ng Sin Dee etc.

That evening, Ma wanted to go to JJ's house to 'bai nian'. So off I gotta go at 6pm. We sat at JJ's house for an hour b4 going off to my mom's cousin house-warming. She brought a house costing RM 300K in M'cca! It's a 2 storey-linked house without garden berhadapan dgn jalan. Erm, I would think it's too expensive! Yeah, the house look grand & all, but it's just now my taste.

4th day; I think I did nothing much also today. Took nap, online & waited for LS to come. He reached by 6pm & we went out jalan2 & have dinner. My 3rd aunty came that night 7 I had a short reunion with Hui Loon again! Yippee! Only me at home & GSC went out & both twins went to work. The one hour in the house seems like a short 5 mins only... After they go off, LS, Ma & me went to Gma's house. It seems that Gma is sick & only 3red uncle & wife is at home... haiz..

This is where the SG trip comes in. It cost us RM 250 per pax for accommodation, food, transportation, & fun in Sentosa. Luckily it was not my first time there. Else, I would be in despair & we did not enjoy much of Sentosa's fun & what we did a lot was walk the whole day! Walk till my legs were tired! i wonder how mom take it?!!

Too bad it was only 2 days trip. I vow to take Ma for more vacation out of Malaysia since whe already had her passport made. Coincidently, Seng Chyn called while I was in SG. Since I do not switch on my roaming, she could not get me. We exchanged email & she complimented me in her reply saying that both Ma & Pa were lucky to have a daughter like me. I think I'll just take it & not have any comment.

That wil be all for tngt. Only CNY part. Not too deetail though. Only the event's outline. In case I forgot in the future. The part after CNY would be in a few days time, might even be a few weeks time! Ta-da! Sweet dreams!